Let's talk about Coke. What is Coke? To be succinct, Coke is a gloriously amazing drink, brimming to the top with enough carbonation and caffeine to re-start a person's heart, if need be. Its delicious flavor is unmatched (especially the coke from McDonalds, how do they do it?) and its powers of healing and comfort rival that of mixing the cure for cancer and unicorn tears together. It enhances any meal (yes, you heard me breakfast) and it never gets boring. There is no adequate substitute for Coke (because Pepsi is brown pee water).
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| True Dat Lady Drinking Soda From A Martini Glass |
At this point you may be asking, "why does any of this matter?" Well, to be clear I need to address the fact that there are several types of drinks that call themselves Coke, which are clearly impostors. The only good kinds of coke are The following; Coke Classic, Mexican Coke Classic and Vanilla Coke.
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| Amazing. Better with Ice. |
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| Muy Refresco Indeed! |
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| A Glorious Mix of Happiness and Flavor! |
Anything more or less than these are simply evil. In fact, I had to convince my step mom to leave the dark side and quit drinking Diet Coke, which I aptly call the anti-Christ. Drinking ammonia would be preferable to me than drinking a Diet Coke because at least ammonia doesn't try to hide the fact that it is terrible.
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| I am the mark of the beast. |
After this blatant blasphemy against Coke Classic, Diet Coke tried to be even more cunning and deceitful. Instead of ceasing to exist it simply changed one ingredient, kind of. This, apparently, was grounds for an entire rebranding (as well as a new lineup of falsehoods) of this kind of Coke. Now we have Coke Zero. All taste, no diet (or whatnot). Lies! All Lies!
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| Umm, no it isn't. |
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| I promise that this in no way improves your gaming potential, unless your game is cribbage. |
Coke Zero is actually the same thing as Diet Coke in every way except for it adds some different kind of sweetener. It also changed its label, to make you think it was cool and sexy. Rather it looks like a fat person trying to look skinny by wearing black. It kinda works, but not really.
Then things began to get really silly. A neutered, bland and depressing form of Coke was born; Caffeine free diet Coke. This shouldn't exist.
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| I'm Pepsi, in a different can. |
No flavor, no caffeine, no sugar! What on earth is the point of such a neutered drink. I guess if you think brown carbonated pee is good then this is the drink for you.
Even Willy Wonka hates Diet Coke.
So, I hope that if nothing you learned that there is a glorious drink called Coca Cola Classic and there there are a couple of fantastic variations of it. However, more importantly than anything I hope you learned that Diet Coke, Coke Zero and Rebranded Pepsi are horrible and degrading. Coke betrays their own name by selling them.